Memory Tape

[mirrorgirl]

Post-Wakaba’s Death: For Dove

Her footsteps pound against concrete as she rushes down the busy streets, clutching a hand to her chest. The USB stick is held tightly in her palm. She barely pays attention to the people she bumps into trying to avoid them, her heart is pounding.

Wakaba is dead. She saw her shadow dissolve, she heard the gunshot when Akechi shot her. She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead.

She’s seen shadows die before, she’s seen the aftermath of a mental shutdown. She knows it’s a matter of time before that happens to Wakaba and

And

And 

And.

And her shadow smiled at them. A gun was to her head, and she smiled with the warmth of which she had only just gotten used to, and she told them where she hidden a copy of her research.

They know Shido wants this. Wakaba knows, and she risked making a complete copy just for akechi. Just for them.

Her fist clenched tighter. 

Akechi had told her to leave after the shadow dissolved, he wouldn’t look at her. He told her to go get the usb.

She tried to argue he should come with but he snapped at her, and that’s when she saw his face.

He looked shaken, like he was trying to keep it together and pretend this was just another target.

She knew he was lying

His face reminded her of his first kill. Of the first time he realized he killed someone. Of when they learned what happens when you kill somebody’s shadow.

She really hates that face, she decides.

She continues to run. The best place to hide is in a crowd, she doesn’t think anyone saw her dig through Wakab’s lab, but if there is a tail she has to loose it.

She can’t loose this.

She can’t

She can’t

She can’t go back there can she? She’s meeting akechi at one of their meetup spots but… what after? She doesn’t have a place to go back to. Akechi’s apartment isn’t safe anymore.

Wakaba’s lab isn’t safe anymore.

She

She doesn’t

She doesn’t have a home anymore. Does she?

That thought makes her stop in place, the noise and movement around her doesn’t matter as all she can hear is her own breathing and pounding heartbeat.

Home… that was what a home felt like wasn’t it? Somewhere that feels safe, where you can return to. Wakaba’s lab is was bright and sterilized but it was home. Wakaba made it home. 

A home where Wakaba would give her books and manga to read. A home where Wakaba would ramble about whatever was on her mind. A home where Wakaba would muse about introducing her and Akechi to her daughter one day.

A home that’s gone now with one word from Shido

Is this what loss feels like? So… hollow…

Seek shelter, little pup. We are exposed!

Fenrir suddenly yells in her mind, she doesn’t know what he sensed but her feet are moving before she can ask. She knows to trust her Persona’s judgment.

It’s when she’s snuck deep into an empty alleyway that she realizes what’s wrong.

Her cheeks are wet, her vision is blurry from tears.

She’s crying.

She’s… she’s crying. 

She’s crying because because because she

She’s lost her home.

She’s lost the place she felt safe.

She’s lost wakaba

She lost the woman who taught her so much.

She’s lost the woman who told her what a family was, and how you can make one of your own with whomever you are close with.

She lost the woman who made her wonder if this was what it was like to have a mother.

Hannei’s breath catches, and her legs fail her as she crumbles into a ball against a dingy ally wall.

Oh, she thinks, as she chokes on sobs and snot and tears mess up her face, this is what grief feels like, isn’t it?

And Hannei wails. 

She curls up tightly and cries into her knees, shaking and clutching the last thing Wakaba gave to them as she cries and cries.

She feels Fenrir offer his silent support, mourning the loss with her.

She feels him reassure that she can be strong enough to never let this happen again.

And as Hannei cries she wonders if Akechi is crying like this too, in mementos somewhere, if he’s grieving too. 

She hates this.

She hates Shido for doing this to her, to them.

And as the tears flow she makes a vow to herself. She’s going to get stronger, so she can do more for Akechi.

So they never have to feel like this again.

Because you protect your own, you protect your pack!

Fenrir howls.

Because you protect your family.

Hannei agrees. 

She wasn’t enough to protect Akechi now, but she won’t make this mistake again. 

She won’t let her family down ever again.

But there isn’t much else she can do right now but cry.

So she cries.

She cries because for the first time she realizes what it really means to loose everything.

And she cries because she wonders if Akechi felt this suffocating grief before.

And she cries because she knows the answer.

And she cries

And she cries

And 

She

Cries

…